It is only the 2nd month of the year 2020 and I am already flooded with many life choices to make. It is mostly about career and my dreams to fulfill that are really not jiving well. I know I asked for the year 2020 to bring it on but I didn’t realize my cage will be rattled this early on. I mean, “Hey 2020, give me time to load up my ammunition before you fire those curveballs at me!” If this was a dodge ball game, I’m out already this February.

I’m a tough cookie. I have been through many battles in life that even when I find myself defeated, I still carry on. I have earned all my scars in a painful way and have learned so much from those pains. But this time, I am in for a really rough ride where my heart battles with my mind.

A few years ago, I have set 2020 as my year to follow my dream of having my own business. I have managed to do some side hustles a few years ago but they fizzled. I did my seasonal craft biz too and that was ok. I keep trying but never able to sustain one and that is making me very sad and frustrated. But here I am, still fighting and carrying on. And it is 2020.

I am now in that crossroads where I think versus I feel what is best to do moving forward in my career and dreams. My career has been stagnant for the last 13 years. Only the job changes but the salary grade stays the same and it is wearing me down. Then there is my dream of being my own boss, and buying a house and lot in the province back home because I can no longer migrate elsewhere due to age factor. Looking at all the facts in my life, I cannot quit my career because I will not be able to fulfill my dreams. This is where my heart and mind constantly battle.

The mind wins 99% of the time because I am scared of making rash decisions that will affect my future and my family. And if I go on doing this, I deprive my own happiness. But the reality is, 2020 is still not the right year to forego my role as an employee. There are bills to pay, pension plan to pay, retirement to prepare, savings to do, and many more. I just cannot leave the workforce now. It is not practical. It is not a wise thing to do. And somehow, I still have a lot to give.

So, I am keeping myself busy with other stuff like brushing up with my Japanese, listening to more motivational podcasts, going back to my regular blogging activity, meeting family and friends more, and minding my overall health and wellness.

I will check back come to the end of the year with my current status then versus my goals. I do pray they align in some manner so I don’t end the year with more tough decisions to make.

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