I am not over grieving the demise of my beloved dog Millie. And here I am again, faced with a very sinister twist of fate and a difficult decision of whether to continue the treatment of my mum who is still in the ICU as I write this. This seems to be a wicked, wicked joke to me and my family. It’s not funny.

Last Feb. 9, I said good bye to my loving dog Millie. Little did I know that my mum was also getting sick back home. We flew to Manila on Feb. 11 to celebrate our daughter’s 18th birthday. The whole vacation was meant to celebrate our daughter’s debut with our close family and friends. And upon arriving at Manila, as soon as I switched my phone on, I felt cold reading the first text from my niece. My mum was admitted to Marymount Hospital in Meycauayan and she was in coma in the ICU. She had kidney failure.

I didn’t know what to feel as I am still reeling on my dog’s demise. I felt lost, numb, confused, and mad. Mad at the circumstances surrounding me. I owe that time for my daughter because it was her birthday but then, how could I enjoy the celebration when at the back of my mind, I knew my mum was in the ICU?

I visited my mum as soon as the celebration was over. I didn’t like what I saw. There, on the hospital bed, is my mum, strapped in various contraptions when plenty of tubes in her mouth, nose and neck. Her pallor is not healthy. Her skin is taut. Though, she managed to open her eyes several times for very brief moments and then she fell back into sleep mode.

I checked on her several times that week. And each time I visit her, inspite of the improvements in some of her conditions, she’s not awake to respond to us.

Then on Feb. 20,  the doctors asked my niece (my sister was not in the ICU at the time) if we still want to continue treatment as her brain function is not looking very good. I am shocked to hear that because I don’t want to be put in the position where I have to decide on someone’s fate like this. Not again and certainly, not this time, not for my mum. I can’t be God!

My sister and I had a lengthy discussion about it. But we decided to continue with the medications and treatments even if the doctors are saying that our mum is surviving with the help of the meds and machines. But for us children, we are praying for a miraculous healing and recovery. It’s not a crime to ask for miracles. It’s the only thing that is keeping us hopeful, that belief that our mum will be healed.

I am now back in Dubai. Praying for miracles to happen but at the same time, feeling very defeated.

These events surrounding me are making me numb, scared, angry, defeated, and sad. I don’t know what kind of joke this is but it’s not funny! I don’t like to be put in this position. I am not ready to lose my mum!!!

 

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