Ok, that might be an oxymoron. Either I am happy or not happy. Which one is it?

I told myself not to entertain negative thoughts nor emotions and I have been very pretty good at it until now. I earlier posted my disappointment and frustrations on the planning of my daughter’s debut party because N-O-T-H-I-N-G is happening. And I am very tired lately. I have been sleeping really late because I am looking for something in the net. It’s keeping me up most nights.

Anyway, that is besides the point. I am generally feeling happy but at the same time, I am not.  Or let me rephrase that to, lately, my happiness jar is not as much as my loneliness jar.

My emotions are in constant battle with my head and it is hard to think. I noticed this lately when things are not going the way I have “envisioned” and hoped them to be, only to find out, those dreams have been given to someone else. Makes me wonder, “wasn’t I worthy to receive something like that?” But then again, people around me will say, there’s a reason for everything. But what is the reason?

I am beginning to let my dreams go in my career. Same with my other goals but then, if I sit back and think, I see myself as a loser. But I’m, just tired lately. I don’t see anything going the way I have prayed for. I am beginning to think, maybe in the grand scheme of things, what ever is happening is for the best (esp. in my career). One thing for sure, a lot is not making sense to me these days especially when it comes to my goals for career advancement. It is what’s been bugging me lately. I don’t know if I just forget the whole “promotion” thing and just sit back into oblivion. The tiny (and very feisty) voice in me says, “Come on Ria, you’re giving up just like that?” Well, I don’t go down easy… That’s for sure.

Hmmm, maybe this is just my hormones going berserk again. I’m probably heading to menopausal!


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